Battle Fatigue
by Brumeier
Summary: Jim and Blair reflect on their relationship. Non-slash. Takes place sometime after Sentinel Too.


_**Standard Disclaimer:**__ I own no rights to any of these characters. I only write about them because the bunnies tell me to. Darn bunnies!_

**Battle Fatigue**

Jim Ellison was constantly at war with himself, torn between conflicting desires of solitude and companionship. As a child he'd been taught self-reliance. His father was almost always too busy to spend any time with his boys, and when he did he turned them against each other. Jim and Steven were constantly competing for their father's affections; it was every boy for himself.

_"The big game is tonight," Jim said hesitantly. When his father failed to look up from his paperwork, he tried again._

_ "Everyone is going to be there. You know…other parents and stuff."_

_ His father finally looked up, clearly annoyed. "James…"_

_ "Hey, Dad!" Steven hurried into the room, nudging his brother out of the way. "Guess what? I got on the debate team!"_

_ When he saw his father's delighted grin, Jim knew his case was lost. He swallowed his bitter disappointment – again - and wished he'd been an only child._

_ "Debate team will serve you well, Steven," Jim's father said proudly. Jim heard the implication that football was a waste of time. It didn't matter how good he was, how many awards he'd won. _

_ While Steven filled their dad in on his upcoming debate, Jim quietly left the room, knowing he wouldn't be missed._

The Rangers had given him what he so badly wanted. Instead of constantly trying to outdo each other, the men in his unit worked together as a team. Jim had been so happy there, until Peru. It had all gone wrong in Peru and once again he'd found himself on his own. He started to think that was how it was supposed to be, that family was an unreachable dream.

When Jim joined the Cascade PD, it had been with no expectations. He wasn't looking to make friends; he only wanted to keep people safe. And he was right to think so, because it wasn't long before Jack was gone and he was working solo. For a long, long time he told himself that was the way he wanted it. Most times he even believed it.

And then Blair Sandburg came into his life.

Jim looked fondly at the man curled up and sleeping in the chair next to him. To the outside world they were completely mismatched, opposites in almost every way. Jim was tall, Blair was short. Jim liked junk food, Blair ate tofu. Jim kept his emotions tightly constrained, Blair wore his heart on his sleeve. But somehow it worked for them.

The Sentinel thing was case in point. Jim often hated having his special gift, even while he used it to help fight crime. He hated being different, hated that he'd become so reliant on Blair to help him cope. It was a loss of control, something he always fought against. But Blair was so excited about it – the heightened abilities and their practical uses. He was always devising new tests, taking more notes, adding more information to his dissertation.

_ "It's suggested in Burton's research that when a Sentinel is working his deal, he gets oblivious to the outside world. Sorta like the blinders are on. Usually he had a partner along, someone to watch his back," Blair explained. _

_ "You mean like you?"_

_ "Oh, yeah, beautiful, great idea, I'd love to. Now, you ready for a little research?" The young anthropologist was fairly humming with excitement._

That was the biggest fear at all. That once the dissertation was done, Blair would sweep back out of his life just the way he swept in. It was why Jim sometimes pushed him away, why he sometimes said such horrible things to the man who had become closer to him than his own brother. It was like he was testing the boundaries, seeing how much Blair would take from him before he just up and left. Like a sore tooth, he couldn't stop poking at it even though it hurt. He needed to know how far was too far.

There'd been no too far yet. Jim had thrown Blair out of the loft, had put his life in danger countless times, and had frequently made the younger man the brunt of his frustration. None of it was enough to deter Blair. He was Jim's punch dummy, always popping back up no matter how hard he knocked him down.

_ "Are you kicking me out?" Blair asked, clearly stunned._

_ "I can't have anybody here right now," Jim replied, wishing he could just be alone. Wishing the strange feeling itching along his skin would go away._

_ "Hey, wait a minute. Jim, we just got to sit down and we got to talk about what's going on with you."_

_ "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to analyze it. I just need you out of here by the time I get back."_

_ And Jim left him standing there, surrounded by his things, without any further explanation. Without giving Blair a chance to help him, to talk him back down._

Jim stifled a yawn. He was tired. Tired of fighting with himself, tired of fighting his relationship with Blair. He resolved to do better, be better. To stop worrying about what might happen in the future and instead enjoy the present. To that end, he opened his senses, immediately feeling more at peace as the essence of his Guide swirled around him. The sound of his heartbeat was familiar and comforting, the one thing above all others that grounded him and helped him stay sane. And even though he didn't want to wake his partner, Jim was compelled to touch him as well. He reached over and took his hand.

Blair was instantly conscious and leaning over the bed. "You're awake!"

Jim looked up into those familiar blue eyes and smiled. He was lucky, and it was time to start acting like it.

"Sorry," Jim said, his voice a bit rough.

"Here." Blair grabbed a cup off the side table, guiding the straw so Jim could have a drink of cool water. "Sorry for what?"

"Not being a better friend."

"Wow, you really hit your head hard," Blair said jokingly. But Jim could hear the worry beneath it.

"I'm…" Jim interrupted himself with another big yawn. "…lucky."

"Lucky you didn't get killed," Blair said. Jim squeezed his arm, trying to reassure his partner. He had only vague memories of the accident, but he did remember that Blair had never left his side. He'd never felt so cared for and he relished the feeling of security that gave him, even if he couldn't count on it lasting forever.

"Thanks," Jim said. He closed his eyes, letting the sound of Blair's heart beat wash over everything else. While he was thinking of something else to tell his Guide, he fell asleep.

*o*o*o*

Blair blew out a breath as he watched Jim fall asleep, thankful that the big guy was going to be okay. Between the two of them they spent an inordinate amount of time in the hospital, but it never got any easier being the one waiting. He stretched, his back popping, before sitting in the chair beside the bed again.

He pondered Jim's sleep-slurred apology, wondering what had brought that on. The man wasn't one for sharing his feelings, though it had always been easy enough for Blair to see when he was struggling with something. Maybe it was just a combination of mental fatigue and head trauma.

It wasn't easy, being Jim's Guide. Or his friend for that matter. Most days it was a battle just trying to get through to him. But Blair had never considered walking away. The work Jim was doing was too important, for one thing. And he'd been able to see a side of the Sentinel that no-one else did. He could be very gentle sometimes, and thoughtful. He noticed and remembered things, like Blair's favorite kind of tea or the kind of shampoo he used.

"_Hey, Chief, I did some shopping today." Jim indicated a bag on the counter. "Got you some stuff."_

_ Blair looked in the bag, pleasantly surprised. "You went to the Whole Foods store? I didn't think you even knew where that was."_

_ Jim just shrugged. "It was on my way."_

_ Blair knew that was a lie, but he didn't pursue it. "Thanks, man."_

Blair would be the first one to admit that his relationship with Jim had initially been all about the dissertation. And while that was still a part of it, there was so much more now. Their relationship was extremely complex – friends, brothers, partners, Guide and Sentinel.

He knew that Jim often wondered what his Guide got out of the partnership, when it was clear what Blair was bringing to the table for the Sentinel. And he could've gone on about being able to help Jim put the bad guys away, protecting the tribe, blah blah blah. It was that too, but the bigger part of it was having a family. It was something he'd always longed for but rarely had the chance to be part of.

He loved his mom, of course. Naomi had a lot of good qualities. But her gypsy nature had kept Blair from having the family he'd always dreamed of. Siblings, a dad, a house that he could live in year after year.

_Blair was sitting in the half-finished tree-house when his mother found him. She sat down next to him, hugging her knees to her chest._

_ "I don't wanna go," Blair said. He hated that he sounded so close to tears; ten year old boys weren't supposed to cry._

_ "We talked about this, Blair," Naomi said. "It's time for us to go."_

_ "But I have friends. And…and Tom." Tom was – had been – Naomi's boyfriend for the past six months. He was helping Blair build the tree-house._

_ "This isn't our place, sweetheart." Naomi rubbed his back, which just made him want to cry even more._

_ "Where _is_ our place then? Huh?" He moved away from her, not wanting her to try and soothe him. "I'm tired of always moving."_

_ "We'll find it, Blair, I promise we will. But we won't know it if we don't go looking." Naomi sighed. "We're heading out at six. Have your things ready."_

_ Blair was soon alone again. He couldn't keep the tears back any longer, and anger welled up inside him. He started pulling at the boards, trying to tear them out. He didn't want some other kid to have what he couldn't. It wasn't fair._

Now that he was living and working with Jim, he had that stability. He had a man who was both a brother and a best friend. And even if it was only the Sentinel at work, he had safety and security as well. Whatever scrapes he got into – and there were plenty after he unofficially became a member of the Cascade PD – Jim was always at his side. His Blessed Protector.

_Jim took the gun __out of his trembling grip. "You gotta clap your hands."_

_Blair clapped, slowly and awkwardly, his limbs suddenly gone heavy. But Jim made it out to be more than it was as he helped him off the car._

"_You did it! You did it!"_

_Blair was lucid enough, just for a moment, to realize the danger he'd put everyone in. Particularly his partner._

"_I'm sorry," he whispered._

"_That's okay," Jim replied gently, putting his arms around Blair. Through the haze of Golden and the increasing heaviness in his head, the Guide knew he was safe. His Sentinel would keep him safe. He slipped under, not really hearing anything else Jim said, but feeling it just the same._

"_Hang in there. It's all right."_

"Chief…"

Blair was up and out of his chair in an instant, his hand on Jim's arm. His friend's eyes were closed, but his head was turned in his direction.

"I'm right here, Jim."

"Stay?"

Blair couldn't help but smile. Since Jim was so out of it, he decided to take advantage; he pressed a gentle kiss to the Sentinel's forehead.

"Always, big guy. Always."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:<strong>__ So, I woke up with part of this in my head and had to write it down. Ended up being longer than I thought it would be. Sorry for the lack of action, but the muse wants what the muse wants. LOL!_


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